On guys being persistent

When my mom told me the story about how she and my dad got together, she particularly told me that guys who are persistent are the ones to look out for. I told her that I don’t think so from experience but didn’t know the reason for it…until today.

You see, guys who are persistent can be seen as that they are truly interested in you and if they were to invest enough time and effort on you, would begin to fall for you. This is true to some extent. If they perceive you as “the one” for them, one who is so perfect to them, they would be persistent since it would be difficult to find another girl like you. However, that may not be the case all the time. Guys can be persistent because:

1. They have limited amount of girls around them.

2. They cannot find the “right” girl.

Basically, they can be persistent because they want to keep their options open.

How to differentiate a good guy from a bad guy?

When it comes to men, females tend to instinctively know a good man from a bad man. However, the problem with me is that I tend to see the good in people… and most people are good, and not a psychopath. So, a friend of a friend (male) taught me explicitly what a good man and a bad man is.

He said that a good man genuinely cares about the women and respects a woman’s decision. This include not manipulating the women into doing the things that the man wants her to do, especially if they have the upper hand in the situation. In addition to that, if the man is truly good, he would respect the women to the point that he won’t even mention sex even if it had been months into the relationship.

A bad guy is selfish, who cares about wanting her more than caring for her. You know, those guys who convinces you that they are the best guy for you even if you were to tell them that you are not ready for a relationship or anything related to romance. Guys who brings up the sex topic is even worse. All they want to do is to fuck and leave you.

 

Don’t have sex!

I am not a religious person. I have tried to be, so I read the bible and decided that it wasn’t for me because there are things in the bible that I do not agree with. One of them is the idea that man and woman should not consummate before marriage. I had once thought that the world is changing and this doctrine does not fit in the modern world anymore.

However, the more I experience life, the more I understand why God reckons that one should not consummate before marriage. Before I get to my point, please watch this video on The Wild Economics of Sex.

The current dating landscape as seen in the video starts out small. Usually, girls would have sex with their committed boyfriend because it seems to be a social norm to do so and that it seemed to be alright since you may (at that time, you would have thought that you will) get married. Then it builds up. You have tasted sex and you lust for more. You have lost your virginity so it doesn’t matter anymore. Sex had then become a social norm. By then, concepts such as FWB and ONS were formed and again, was seen as a social norm. Finally, woman are giving away free sex too easily these days leading to the dating landscape we see currently where man and woman finds it difficult to get married. 

In the video, there seem to be two marketplace that emerge due to this social behaviour: the sex marketplace and marriage marketplace. For both marketplace, there seem to be only disadvantage for woman. In the sex marketplace, even though woman have the upper hand, woman’s primal instinct will always drive woman into wanting a committed relationship and giving sex away will take away woman’s only leverage to get man to commit (See here). In the commitment marketplace, woman would find it more difficult to get married since there are just too limited man to choose from as a partner that woman will always question: is he the best man I could get?

The video suggested that the only way to change the current dating landscape is for women to collude so to not have sex so easily. In other words, women were to revert back to the traditional ways of not having sex before marriageThis confirms God’s doctrine that sex before marriage is bad for us… well, at least to women.

I do realise that there is a prisoner’s dilemma to this. While women may only gain maximum benefits if there were to collude together, individuals who do have sex with men while other girls keep to their values may gain more benefits than the rest of the girls as guys do prefer non-virgins to virgins.

Ultimately, it really comes down to what you want. Do you really just want sex and nothing else? As an individual who values committed relationship more than sex, the cost of having sex before marriage is pretty high. First of all, with “giving sex away will take away woman’s only leverage to get man to commit”, this does not apply to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It applies to marriage as well. Having sex before marriage may delay my marriage. Also, if my man is willing to wait for marriage before we do have sex, it would mean that he actually do loves me. Having a strong value like not have sex before marriage would also mean that I can keep guys who just wants sex away from me, which would save me more heartbreaks.

 

 

 

 

Discovering My Life Aims: Part Two

All of these thoughts led me to my life/current aim, which is to be a lady my man is proud to have as a wife but a lady I am proud of being. For simplicity sake, I will shorten this down to I want to be a lady. This quote by Carrie Bradshaw may explain my aim better:

Quote1

There are a bunch of things that I would like to work on to be a lady:

Appearance

  • Make Up
  • Health: Weight, Sleep, Water Intake
  • Beauty: Scrub and mask face and body; Mask Hair; Nails, etc.
  • Style: Clothing, Hair, Accessories
  • Posture, Manners, Femininity

Home

  • Finance
  • Cooking
  • Cleaning

Relationship (When opportunity presents)

  • Dating: Be myself, take more interest in my partner, learn to love better (5 languages of love)
  • Kissing
  • Sex (after marriage only). See Don’t have sex

Personal Strength

  • Self-discipline
  • Perseverance
  • Build up my mental strength when it comes to achieving my goals

To be honest, four of these assignments were given to me by a friend: cooking, sex, kissing and make up. I am still questioning learning to have good sex. While I understand that you will enjoy it more after you get used to it, there are just so much disadvantage of having sex with someone before reaching a serious commitment. When it comes to achieving goals, I prefer the idea of focusing on just one goal and then move on. I told my sister about it and she made a logical point: You will get old before you can achieve all of your goals! So, I’ll see what I can do and hopefully, if I do carry out  this plan, I would most likely post something up about it.

Discovering My Life Aims: Part One

For a couple of years now, I have been searching for a life aim. However, no career, money or travel around the world matter all that much to me. However, there was one thing I was sure of. I want a child, preferably a daughter, and hence thought about becoming a single mom. I have wanted to be a single mom because I was paranoid about my future husband cheating on me. After much thought about the subject, I decided to take the risk and get married for my future child’s sake (refer to my previous post: Aiming to be a Single Mom. Is it OK?). If I were to be honest about how I feel, I have always wanted a family of my own more than anything. That is why love and relationship has been a big part of my life.

Looking back at my past relationships, one may wonder how someone so passionate about romantic love and relationships cheat on her previous boyfriends. I want to be honest and say that my exes are good guys who have told me that they wanted me for life, not just for dating. However, as they said “nice guys finish last” and Andrew has a logical explanation to this:

“As a woman, your pride wants a man who values you above all other women, one who would do anything for you out of an overwhelming compulsion of feeling. You (like every person) need to know you are valuable and important, which is largely evidenced by feeling wanted.

Your biology, on the other hand, aches for a man who is strong and powerful, unfettered by his feelings, who can protect you and impregnate you with healthy children – children who in turn will survive and reproduce successfully.”

(read full text here: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/05/females-internal-conflict.html)

Basically, nice guys feeds my pride. However, they do not fulfill my biological needs of wanting someone strong and powerful.

This time, perhaps it was karma, but I am now at the other end of the different types of guy, liking jerks and players who fulfill your biological needs but not your pride needs. While I do realise that players have a huge potential of  hurting me emotionally, I still like to hang out with them because I do in fact learn a lot from these types of guys. One thing about players that I learnt is that they will eventually decide to settle down and commit – a time when they would fulfill both your biological and pride needs. Knowing this led me to think: What are my chances if they have decided to commit? With this guy, I know my chances is low for things that he have said to me pretty much translates to “you’re not good enough.” This bothers me a little because 1. It means that I won’t be able to get the kind of guys I want to get; and 2. I am in a competition with other girls if I wanted a better guy (mostly guys with options) and I don’t quite stand a chance. If there is any reason to not be bothered with this is that he is not available anyway, so why should I care if I am not the best girl in his life at the moment. Logically thinking, him not being available actually gives me time to improve to be a better girl than his current girl.

I would like to point out that despite saying things as if I wanted him and hence, want to work hard for him, that is certainly not the case. The fact is that this guy serves as an inspiration for me to work hard so that I would stand a better chance with guys like him/better than him in the future. Therefore, I am working hard for me! Please do note that I wasn’t really trying to appeal to players, I am trying to appeal to players decent guys (The qualities I am looking for in a man are stated in this post) who are done playing and plans to settle down.

This clip shows the current dating landscape at the moment: Wild Economics of Sex. I am greatly aware of this harsh competition due to the player I talked about and hence, came up with a marketing plan for myself to reposition myself in the market. I thought, “Well, all girls can be sluts but not all girls are willing to work hard to be a good wife.” Besides, while girls are out looking for guys that are able to provide for them, there is a safe chance that guys are looking for girls who would be a good mom and wife, someone who can support the family.

Perhaps it was also selfish of me but I am also keen on the idea of wanting my husband to marry me because he wants to settle down and have a child and PICK ME to be his wife because he knows that I will be a good mom and wife. That is because if he eventually divorces me, it would be because I am not a good mom or wife. The divorce would then be on me. If he had chosen me because he loved me and I know love dies out eventually (maybe), he may go to some other girls and I wouldn’t have a say in anything.

All of these thoughts led me to my life/current aim, which is … *to be continued* (This post is getting way too long)

Are you ready for a relationship?

A friend once said “People should take the risk of being single, figure out what they want and get it out of their system rather than risking the lives of another person” upon seeing cheating husbands. Today, I realise that this applies to normal relationships as well.

You see, I don’t have a good record when it comes to relationships. I have cheated on, currently, all of my exes. But the thing is I have always known thought that I would make a good girlfriend. So what went wrong? One of the reasons is that I always jump into a relationship (took the opportunity) without actually being ready for it. The second reason is that I knew that those weren’t the right guy, yet I still went for it. In short, I haven’t yet figured out what I wanted and I risked my exes getting hurt. I guess you could argue that if I don’t have the experience, how could I figure out what I wanted?

That was then. Now I sort of know what I want. It’s not fixed but here they are:
1. Mental connection – a deep intuitor. I love mature men who gives me insight to how they perceive the world. I like sharing ideas with people but what’s even better is discussing ideas.
2. Physical attraction – physical attraction is probably the easiest to get. Like I said, physical attraction is pretty common but then again, I did not even want to kiss one of my ex and hated it when we had sex that we only did it once. I then figured, I must’ve dislike him to not like making out with him so we broke up. So, I need that physical attraction.
3. Genes I’d like to carry forward. Before meeting people who actually had a mental connection with me, I thought that my other ex connected well with me and the physical attraction was there. But he wasn’t good looking and he tells me he has this and that health problem. I kept thinking “I don’t want my kids to blame me for giving them diseases/ making them ugly

Anyway, back to the topic! Basically, I am attracted to a man who really connects with me mentally and there is no doubt that he would make an excellent boyfriend. But the thing is he lives in the US and is about 10 years older than I am. Now, there are times when I really want this guy and I couldn’t understand why he doesn’t want me when he has told me he likes me. Today, he told me that I was the one pushing him away. I confirmed his comment when we have decided to go for something more and I realised, hey! I won’t get any dating and sexual experience. I have always been the hopeless romantic type, so wanting to experience such things was normal to me.

Then what my friend said hits me. I really wanted the whole dating experience (I haven’t had enough of it) and if a guy were to approach me giving me that, I might do things to hurt this guy I am attracted to. That is why I have decided I would rather take the risk of being single rather than to hurt him. After all, he’s at the age of getting married as well. Let’s say I’ll deprive myself of the whole dating experience thing for a year (let’s say that’s how long I can last), he would’ve lost one year of trying to look for that someone. I decided I care for him enough to not hurt him. That’s why I would rather risk being single. I know it hurts both of us now but it’s better than being hurt later on right?