My IDEAL Relationship: Deep, deep love!

So, due to lack of patience and my incapability of handling emotional pain, I have decided to cut the player off for good. It hurts a lot…but what’s done can’t be undone. Someone told me to look at the positive side of things and these are what I like:

To start off with, I like it when a man takes up the courage to go and say “Hey”, *talks to you for a while, impresses you* and then said, “Can I grab your number? Let’s go out some day!” It’s just really manly and any girl would appreciate that. It is not creepy at all if done right. In fact, I think it’s really charming!

Secondly, I love the idea of independence within relationships. I love the idea of two people supporting each other while doing their own things. There is no need for the two to meet up everyday. That would be saying that they need each other, not want to be with each other. It is much better to meet up once or twice a week to sit down, get to know each other or experience new stuffs to create memories. I do realise though that too much independence will lead to total independence and there is no investment made in the relationship… This is bad for deep love comes from investing and giving more than you would like to. Of course, this will build up slowly over time. Also, there is a need of trust and loyalty in which both partners will not cheat or doubt each other.

Thirdly, I like the drum roll part of a relationship of just anything – the part where you aren’t sure how the other person feel about you, the moments before you hold hands, cuddle, kiss or have sex. Things have to build up slowly. Rushing into things take away the fun part of the relationship. I probably will forever remember the surprised kiss that led me to hug him out of embarrassment… and then realised that something special was formed that day.

Fourthly, I like his personality and I like how we started off as friends because it just means more (Ideally, I would prefer being loved for my personality and brain than my looks). To be honest, he does fit into my requirements which are 1. Mental connection that came from the ability to share and discuss ideas; 2. Physical attraction. This, I realise, comes naturally with love. The more I love someone, the more willing I am to share my body. It’d be really interesting to test out loving someone so deeply and then have the first much anticipated sex. Must be super orgasmic. 3. Genes I like to carry forward. This is more about his ability to provide for his family in the future.. or at least his willingness to provide for his family. I find these words “I will do anything for my child” really charming. Of course, even though he said that, I must realise that he might have said it to please me cause he knows what I like.

Also, I like the idea of investing a lot into the relationship (built slowly over time). The idea of giving more than the taking, it’s the only way to fall deeply into someone. This can be done only if the marginal benefits outweighs the marginal cost though (the benefits of investing > cost of investing). One should be careful not to fall for someone deeper than the person falls for you though. The reason for this is that I have seen three cases that this leads to cheating. I have experienced deep love before – not with any man. The person I love the most, even to this very day, is my grandaunt. She kept giving unconditionally. For someone who didn’t give birth to me, she had bathed me, clothed me, scold me, washed my clothes every single day without complain or asking for help. She has done more part as a mother than most parents have done their child. It was unconditional love. She kept giving without asking for anything back. I saw how deep her love is. So, in return, I helped her out with the chores and gave her a backrub every night. I can tell she appreciated it a lot. I haven’t been able to share such deep love with any man, but it’s definitely something I will want to do for my future love. Of course, it would take a lot of good judgement to see who deserves it. If he were to see my love and give back, that would be the man I would seriously marry and would never leave him.

Last but not least, what I love the most is how deeply I have invested in this friendship and I didn’t realise how much I have invested in this friendship at all. It did make me think “I love this man. He is perfect. I don’t want to take the chance of losing him and then never finding someone like him again” It’s probably what is holding me back a little at letting him go… but like I said, what’s done is done. There will be someone who is worth loving and maybe, I’ll have a better idea of loving someone deeply this time and can actually love someone deeply.

Speaking of love, I would like a record of the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. The 5 love languages are ways you can show love to someone and they are: Quality time, Physical touch, Acts of Service, Words of affirmation and Receiving Gifts. I have listed this according to my personal importance of ways of being shown love. You can get to know yours by taking this quiz here. My grandaunt showed her love through acts of service. I saw that and provided her quality time, physical touch and acts of service. One day, I want to be able to invest so much in a man who is worth it and cry out of love on our wedding day because the love is so powerful.

I think I have said somewhere in this blog before that I do not know what love is… After today’s post, I think I do have a good idea of what love is and I want to, someday, be able to live this love!

Don’t have sex!

I am not a religious person. I have tried to be, so I read the bible and decided that it wasn’t for me because there are things in the bible that I do not agree with. One of them is the idea that man and woman should not consummate before marriage. I had once thought that the world is changing and this doctrine does not fit in the modern world anymore.

However, the more I experience life, the more I understand why God reckons that one should not consummate before marriage. Before I get to my point, please watch this video on The Wild Economics of Sex.

The current dating landscape as seen in the video starts out small. Usually, girls would have sex with their committed boyfriend because it seems to be a social norm to do so and that it seemed to be alright since you may (at that time, you would have thought that you will) get married. Then it builds up. You have tasted sex and you lust for more. You have lost your virginity so it doesn’t matter anymore. Sex had then become a social norm. By then, concepts such as FWB and ONS were formed and again, was seen as a social norm. Finally, woman are giving away free sex too easily these days leading to the dating landscape we see currently where man and woman finds it difficult to get married. 

In the video, there seem to be two marketplace that emerge due to this social behaviour: the sex marketplace and marriage marketplace. For both marketplace, there seem to be only disadvantage for woman. In the sex marketplace, even though woman have the upper hand, woman’s primal instinct will always drive woman into wanting a committed relationship and giving sex away will take away woman’s only leverage to get man to commit (See here). In the commitment marketplace, woman would find it more difficult to get married since there are just too limited man to choose from as a partner that woman will always question: is he the best man I could get?

The video suggested that the only way to change the current dating landscape is for women to collude so to not have sex so easily. In other words, women were to revert back to the traditional ways of not having sex before marriageThis confirms God’s doctrine that sex before marriage is bad for us… well, at least to women.

I do realise that there is a prisoner’s dilemma to this. While women may only gain maximum benefits if there were to collude together, individuals who do have sex with men while other girls keep to their values may gain more benefits than the rest of the girls as guys do prefer non-virgins to virgins.

Ultimately, it really comes down to what you want. Do you really just want sex and nothing else? As an individual who values committed relationship more than sex, the cost of having sex before marriage is pretty high. First of all, with “giving sex away will take away woman’s only leverage to get man to commit”, this does not apply to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It applies to marriage as well. Having sex before marriage may delay my marriage. Also, if my man is willing to wait for marriage before we do have sex, it would mean that he actually do loves me. Having a strong value like not have sex before marriage would also mean that I can keep guys who just wants sex away from me, which would save me more heartbreaks.

 

 

 

 

Aiming to be a Single Mom. Is it OK?

Due to my own personal insecurity issues and distrust in men, I have been dreaming about becoming a  single mom. After all, if men’s primal instinct is to do as much women as they want to and women want men to provide for their kids, it would make sense that if the women can provide for their own children, they do not need men.

I thought that I would be okay with it. In fact, it would be better since no one ever will be able to betray you. You get love from your child anyway and logically thinking, your child will never abandon you since they need you, at least, financially. Your man… if you had only wanted him for his sperm in the first place and not love… then you might not suffer emotional damages. Life should be good then! 

However, a recent event that happened not too long ago changed my mind. I did it with someone who I thought liked me and realize after that he is sexually active with 5 other women.  I thought about things after and  decided that I would be cool with him being with other girls. After all, if I want to be a single mom, I will have to go through that as well. However, I realized very soon after that you cannot have sex with someone without being emotionally involved. I was emotionally attached to him. I wanted him despite not wanting him before we did it. I realized that I was not cool with him being with other girls. I kept questioning, What is he doing? Who is he with? Who is he doing? That is when I realized that I cannot handle FWB because I need to know that I can be secured with him providing and caring for me. That is when I realized that I cannot be a single mom because I will continue to question who he is with and if he has his own family now. After all, our child will forever binds us together no matter what.

Also, if my child were to ask “where is daddy?” I would feel very guilty as I would have robbed him/her from his/her own father. Because I care about my future (currently non-existent) child, I will not plan or aim to be a single mom despite my insecurities. I will, instead, aim to provide a good family for him/her. Besides, I think insecurities and risks is what makes life fun. If everything is secured for me, I might as well be a zombie… Being a zombie would suck! :/

Why do we get married?

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In the last post, I have talked about men’s and women’s primal instinct. To recap, men’s primal instinct is to spread their seeds while women’s primal instinct is to get the male to commit and provide for themselves as well as their offsprings. But that is not the whole story…

According to Books for Better Living, there are three types of mating styles that is found in side-blotched lizards that applies to human as well:

1. Males with orange throats – these are males who provides for a bunch of females and mate with every single one of them. In real life, these are the players, those with a mistress/mistresses or those with “commitment issues”. 
2. Males with yellow throats – these males mate with the females of the orange throats whenever they can get away with them. Based on my own experience, these are the boys who keep on flirting with other men’s girl.
3. Males with blue throats – these males provide and care for only one girl and have multiple offsprings with her. This is the type of men all women should aim for.

Due to the existence of the orange and yellow throats, there is no guarantee that male will provide for the female as well as the children. Although orange throats are supposed to have provided for the females, let’s face it: human’s time and resources is just too limited to make that work! Hence, we see a rise of single mothers out there. You hear stories about girls getting pregnant and the boys would just leave the relationship and the girls’ life, pretending that nothing had happened. Basically, “love” and “marriage” provide some kind of guarantee that the male will provide for and care for the females as well as the children.

You may then argue that marriage really benefits women more than men since without marriage, women may have to bear all the consequences of sex, including bearing the child as well as bringing the child up. However, the women may just abort or dump the child aside as well if she simply cannot afford to provide and care for the child. This makes it (unfavourable) to the men since both parents, not just the mothers, will suffer emotional damages from such cruel act to their own child. This means that ultimately, marriage is not for the parents, but for the children since both parents really want are to bear a child but marriage is what works that brings the child up. This post is inspired by Smith‘s article on Marriage Isn’t for You.

In this post, you will learn:
1. Men’s primal instinct
2. Women’s primal instinct
3. Various mating strategies
4. What marriage is for.