My addiction<3

Ohh, you’re so kind to me. So dangerous yet so kind.

My kryptonite, how could I not fall for you?
Intelligent as you are; yet you always fool around.
You walk around looking all confident, and so tough with that body you worked so hard to build,
Yet when you touch my lips and look at me with those eyes,
I could sense how soft hearted you truly are.

In this fast moving world, you paid no attention to what others are doing
You took your time, slowly… and so tenderly, you kissed my lips.
Time stopped then.
I, who were taught to be more efficient, to do things faster, had forgotten what life is all about…
And with one kiss, you put life in me.

I remember our first kiss, you took me by surprise. We weren’t in sync then. I remember I couldn’t breathe. So when you finally stop kissing me, I hugged you to hide away my shame. But you lifted my chin, and told me it was cute. “You had to comment”, I thought but secretly, I liked that he paid attention.

It is so weird, I don’t remember when I started falling for you. I remember looking forward to meeting you – for I love our conversations. Then one day, I notice myself holding on to your hands, telling you not to go, even if it’s just for a second. You looked at me, with that look you always have on your face, one that looks worried but happy, and tell me “it’s just for a while”. That was the second I realised my feelings for you wasn’t as simple as friends.

Things has changed since then. But my feelings for you have gotten stronger day by day. I sometimes call it “love” when I talk to myself, but I know it is actually more of an addiction, for I suffer withdrawal without you by my side.

And i think to myself: if an addiction feels that closely to love, wouldn’t it be better for couples to be addicted to each other rather than to love each other? After all, like Margaret Atwood said, love is wavering. On the other hand, Addiction, as Emily Thorne from Revenge mention:
Addiction, an impulse that, once indulged, is impossible to pacify. Even when starved, the hunger survives.

An addiction, when compared to love, seemed more enduring…and I, for one, wouldn’t mind staying with my drug for the rest of my life.

Advertisements

Discovering My Life Aims: Part Two

All of these thoughts led me to my life/current aim, which is to be a lady my man is proud to have as a wife but a lady I am proud of being. For simplicity sake, I will shorten this down to I want to be a lady. This quote by Carrie Bradshaw may explain my aim better:

Quote1

There are a bunch of things that I would like to work on to be a lady:

Appearance

  • Make Up
  • Health: Weight, Sleep, Water Intake
  • Beauty: Scrub and mask face and body; Mask Hair; Nails, etc.
  • Style: Clothing, Hair, Accessories
  • Posture, Manners, Femininity

Home

  • Finance
  • Cooking
  • Cleaning

Relationship (When opportunity presents)

  • Dating: Be myself, take more interest in my partner, learn to love better (5 languages of love)
  • Kissing
  • Sex (after marriage only). See Don’t have sex

Personal Strength

  • Self-discipline
  • Perseverance
  • Build up my mental strength when it comes to achieving my goals

To be honest, four of these assignments were given to me by a friend: cooking, sex, kissing and make up. I am still questioning learning to have good sex. While I understand that you will enjoy it more after you get used to it, there are just so much disadvantage of having sex with someone before reaching a serious commitment. When it comes to achieving goals, I prefer the idea of focusing on just one goal and then move on. I told my sister about it and she made a logical point: You will get old before you can achieve all of your goals! So, I’ll see what I can do and hopefully, if I do carry out  this plan, I would most likely post something up about it.

Discovering My Life Aims: Part One

For a couple of years now, I have been searching for a life aim. However, no career, money or travel around the world matter all that much to me. However, there was one thing I was sure of. I want a child, preferably a daughter, and hence thought about becoming a single mom. I have wanted to be a single mom because I was paranoid about my future husband cheating on me. After much thought about the subject, I decided to take the risk and get married for my future child’s sake (refer to my previous post: Aiming to be a Single Mom. Is it OK?). If I were to be honest about how I feel, I have always wanted a family of my own more than anything. That is why love and relationship has been a big part of my life.

Looking back at my past relationships, one may wonder how someone so passionate about romantic love and relationships cheat on her previous boyfriends. I want to be honest and say that my exes are good guys who have told me that they wanted me for life, not just for dating. However, as they said “nice guys finish last” and Andrew has a logical explanation to this:

“As a woman, your pride wants a man who values you above all other women, one who would do anything for you out of an overwhelming compulsion of feeling. You (like every person) need to know you are valuable and important, which is largely evidenced by feeling wanted.

Your biology, on the other hand, aches for a man who is strong and powerful, unfettered by his feelings, who can protect you and impregnate you with healthy children – children who in turn will survive and reproduce successfully.”

(read full text here: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/05/females-internal-conflict.html)

Basically, nice guys feeds my pride. However, they do not fulfill my biological needs of wanting someone strong and powerful.

This time, perhaps it was karma, but I am now at the other end of the different types of guy, liking jerks and players who fulfill your biological needs but not your pride needs. While I do realise that players have a huge potential of  hurting me emotionally, I still like to hang out with them because I do in fact learn a lot from these types of guys. One thing about players that I learnt is that they will eventually decide to settle down and commit – a time when they would fulfill both your biological and pride needs. Knowing this led me to think: What are my chances if they have decided to commit? With this guy, I know my chances is low for things that he have said to me pretty much translates to “you’re not good enough.” This bothers me a little because 1. It means that I won’t be able to get the kind of guys I want to get; and 2. I am in a competition with other girls if I wanted a better guy (mostly guys with options) and I don’t quite stand a chance. If there is any reason to not be bothered with this is that he is not available anyway, so why should I care if I am not the best girl in his life at the moment. Logically thinking, him not being available actually gives me time to improve to be a better girl than his current girl.

I would like to point out that despite saying things as if I wanted him and hence, want to work hard for him, that is certainly not the case. The fact is that this guy serves as an inspiration for me to work hard so that I would stand a better chance with guys like him/better than him in the future. Therefore, I am working hard for me! Please do note that I wasn’t really trying to appeal to players, I am trying to appeal to players decent guys (The qualities I am looking for in a man are stated in this post) who are done playing and plans to settle down.

This clip shows the current dating landscape at the moment: Wild Economics of Sex. I am greatly aware of this harsh competition due to the player I talked about and hence, came up with a marketing plan for myself to reposition myself in the market. I thought, “Well, all girls can be sluts but not all girls are willing to work hard to be a good wife.” Besides, while girls are out looking for guys that are able to provide for them, there is a safe chance that guys are looking for girls who would be a good mom and wife, someone who can support the family.

Perhaps it was also selfish of me but I am also keen on the idea of wanting my husband to marry me because he wants to settle down and have a child and PICK ME to be his wife because he knows that I will be a good mom and wife. That is because if he eventually divorces me, it would be because I am not a good mom or wife. The divorce would then be on me. If he had chosen me because he loved me and I know love dies out eventually (maybe), he may go to some other girls and I wouldn’t have a say in anything.

All of these thoughts led me to my life/current aim, which is … *to be continued* (This post is getting way too long)