My addiction<3

Ohh, you’re so kind to me. So dangerous yet so kind.

My kryptonite, how could I not fall for you?
Intelligent as you are; yet you always fool around.
You walk around looking all confident, and so tough with that body you worked so hard to build,
Yet when you touch my lips and look at me with those eyes,
I could sense how soft hearted you truly are.

In this fast moving world, you paid no attention to what others are doing
You took your time, slowly… and so tenderly, you kissed my lips.
Time stopped then.
I, who were taught to be more efficient, to do things faster, had forgotten what life is all about…
And with one kiss, you put life in me.

I remember our first kiss, you took me by surprise. We weren’t in sync then. I remember I couldn’t breathe. So when you finally stop kissing me, I hugged you to hide away my shame. But you lifted my chin, and told me it was cute. “You had to comment”, I thought but secretly, I liked that he paid attention.

It is so weird, I don’t remember when I started falling for you. I remember looking forward to meeting you – for I love our conversations. Then one day, I notice myself holding on to your hands, telling you not to go, even if it’s just for a second. You looked at me, with that look you always have on your face, one that looks worried but happy, and tell me “it’s just for a while”. That was the second I realised my feelings for you wasn’t as simple as friends.

Things has changed since then. But my feelings for you have gotten stronger day by day. I sometimes call it “love” when I talk to myself, but I know it is actually more of an addiction, for I suffer withdrawal without you by my side.

And i think to myself: if an addiction feels that closely to love, wouldn’t it be better for couples to be addicted to each other rather than to love each other? After all, like Margaret Atwood said, love is wavering. On the other hand, Addiction, as Emily Thorne from Revenge mention:
Addiction, an impulse that, once indulged, is impossible to pacify. Even when starved, the hunger survives.

An addiction, when compared to love, seemed more enduring…and I, for one, wouldn’t mind staying with my drug for the rest of my life.

Letting go

The difficulty level of letting someone go is different if you were actually in a relationship or if you just had a crush on someone. However, the process is the same:

1. Get closure.

When you are attracted to someone, you see them as a potential boyfriend/husband that you are willing to take the risks of getting hurt when you express your feelings to them. There is no harm in taking risks. If you don’t take the risk, you will never find out if he could be the one and that will cause more regret than if you were to be rejected. If you have done letting that someone know your feelings, make sure you know for sure where their position is. If they have rejected you, then realise that this “potential” is broken and you will never get it back. Make both your brain and your heart realise it. Even if you will continue to be friends, you should realise that you are never to delude yourself into thinking that he is a “potential” anymore. That is because once he rejects you, he has let go of that “potential” as well if he has ever seen you as one.

2. Make a decision: Stay or Move On

Realise that there is no getting back. You can only stay in that position or move on. While it is okay to stay in that position for a while to cry about it, staying in that position for too long will only lead to stagnant in growth or possibly make you worse. Therefore, I encourage you to write it down as experience, learn from it and move on to other stages in your life.

3. Plan what you want to do next.
If you truly am attracted to that someone, you would need some time to get over him. So, keep busy by focusing on yourself. What do you want to do next? Plan it, focus on that and keep busy!

4. Don’t talk about it.

It is tempting to go and tell your friends about what has happened because you need the emotional support. However, do refrain yourself from talking about it. That is because you will only remind yourself of him or how “devalued” you feel from being rejected. If you do think about him though, just cherish the memories. There is nothing wrong with that – but do remind yourself that the “potential” is gone and you can’t turn back time anymore.

Independence and Solving Your Own Problem!

As an extravert, I love hanging out and being around people. I understand the importance of having people around you, for mankind has social needs of wanting to belong and recognized. However, my love of being around people has caused me to want to stay around my friends all day, be it new friends or old friends. This is not all bad as it helps me to bond with my friends and we all know that you need to put in an effort to build a relationship with people. However, being on a high from being around people that you love to be around, will make you want to continue to stay on that high. As Newton’s first law of motion (Law of Inertia) says: 

An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force

 

and this is dangerous as it will lead you to be dependent on other people. My experience with staying around people for way too much time was that I experienced a loss of identity or my sense of self as I have stopped thinking about things, developing my own opinion of different ideas or have stopped doing things that I am supposed to do, especially if it has to do with self-improvement. I didn’t like this feeling at all. I felt like it was really destructive.

That is the reason why I am writing this post. I hope that this post will serve as a reminder that despite my love to be around people, I must always remember and recognize that loneliness is a blessing as well. This is especially so for an ENFP like myself. As personalitypage.com says, ENFPs need “time alone to center themselves”. This means that it is necessary for an ENFP to take the time alone so that they can reconnect with themselves, form own opinions on different matters and do things that suits you even if other people doesn’t necessarily agree with your actions. I find this to be really important as

 Life-is-the-most-difficult-exam.Many-people-fail-because-they-try-to-copy-others-not-realising-that-everyone-has-a-different-question-paper

There is also a certain time when you should really be spending time alone, and this is the time when you have a problem. As a woman, when a problem arises, we seek consultations from our female friends. Most of the times, all we needed was emotional support and that all we needed to do was to vent. However, what we get instead is advices on how to best solve the problem… and it seems reasonable to obtain a third party’s opinion as they are not blinded by feelings like we are. However, this may be overrated.

I am a big believer of intuition as it is my dominant function as an ENFP and I know that intuition is a powerful tool when it comes to solving problem. If you are someone who relies heavily on intuition, you will find this quote to be true. Sometimes, there are just no logical explanation to how you know something works for it is a combination of different things: what is being said, the body language, the past experience, feelings, thoughts, etc.

“Don’t try to comprehend with your mind. Your minds are very limited. Use your intuition.” 
― Madeleine L’EngleA Wrinkle in Time

Asking for advices from other people lacks insights into the situation. You may provide them with as much information as possible but, no matter what, since they are not there, they will still lack insights into the situation. This means that when people give you advices, they tend to just rely on what is logical and perhaps, think about the situation in your shoes. But, really, logic is too limited to understand why someone feels and do the things that they do. That is why the world is so messed up. If logic is sufficient, it shouldn’t be.

My current problem right now is that I have just recently confessed my feelings to a friend who is a player. While I was complaining about how he never responded to me, everyone was relying on logic, telling me that a player would never respond to such text and how I deserve better and should move on. If I were to hear the same situation from another girl’s mouth, I would think that the girl must be stupid – that it is pretty obvious that a player will always be a player. The thing is, because it is my problem, I know the situation well. I had been feeling horrible about not being responded as I have thought that he really values me as a friend. Not responding would indicate that he is a player and I am just another one of those who is stuck in his love.

My intuition tells me that he might be a player and I might have been played but he doesn’t treat me as the rest of his girls as he has said that he would’ve just stopped contacting me after we have first done it. The question to ask then is: can I trust what he said? To be honest, he has never given me any reason to not trust what he had said. He has even told me about his lifestyle as a player when we first got to know each other. If I were to argue my point, how can anyone trust what I said? Everyone would think that I am just helping him out because he is someone I care about, that I was just refusing to face reality… but how can that be the case? I can be honest and say, I am about 85% sure that he will reject me.

While I know and can confirm that he values me as a friend (as he has, by now, responded to my text), I do not know if he feels anything for me. My intuition says that he might have a little feelings for me which he is just coming to realise, but it is just not strong enough to go for something more. He is personally not ready for something more as well. So, yeah, I think I will be rejected and I am sort of prepared to be rejected. However, I do want to stay as friends with him. Again, my friends have told me that I am being stupid, that it is impossible to stay as friends. As I haven’t tried it yet, I am just unwilling to just let go of a valuable friend without giving pure friendship a go. Again, it is not that I am stubborn and thus refuse to listen to my friends. It is just that they do not understand that my feelings for him is just different from my previous crushes. I am not obsessive and possessive of him at all. It wasn’t the childlike crushes where you think of that someone non-stop and start thinking about suiciding because you can’t get that guy. I reckon that if I could go 4 months without letting him know how I felt before and the reason I had that breakdown and let him know how I feel about him was due to PMS plus post sex chemical reaction in my brain, I will be able to control my feelings better if there was no physical contact between us at all… but it’s definitely hard to say. So, I decided that if I can’t control my feelings then I should let him know and maybe cut all contact for a good couple of months until I am ready to be proper friends with him again.

Sorry for the long post, I guess I sort of got carried away. Anyway, the main point is that it is important to talk to yourself about your own problem so you can rely on your intuition as others will not know the entire situation well. I do realise that as a woman, I will need to vent and have some emotional support as well… I might need to talk to an introvert to gain some insights on this, or maybe I’ll find out what I would do when I face another problem again – which will be soon when I talk to the guy :/

My IDEAL Relationship: Deep, deep love!

So, due to lack of patience and my incapability of handling emotional pain, I have decided to cut the player off for good. It hurts a lot…but what’s done can’t be undone. Someone told me to look at the positive side of things and these are what I like:

To start off with, I like it when a man takes up the courage to go and say “Hey”, *talks to you for a while, impresses you* and then said, “Can I grab your number? Let’s go out some day!” It’s just really manly and any girl would appreciate that. It is not creepy at all if done right. In fact, I think it’s really charming!

Secondly, I love the idea of independence within relationships. I love the idea of two people supporting each other while doing their own things. There is no need for the two to meet up everyday. That would be saying that they need each other, not want to be with each other. It is much better to meet up once or twice a week to sit down, get to know each other or experience new stuffs to create memories. I do realise though that too much independence will lead to total independence and there is no investment made in the relationship… This is bad for deep love comes from investing and giving more than you would like to. Of course, this will build up slowly over time. Also, there is a need of trust and loyalty in which both partners will not cheat or doubt each other.

Thirdly, I like the drum roll part of a relationship of just anything – the part where you aren’t sure how the other person feel about you, the moments before you hold hands, cuddle, kiss or have sex. Things have to build up slowly. Rushing into things take away the fun part of the relationship. I probably will forever remember the surprised kiss that led me to hug him out of embarrassment… and then realised that something special was formed that day.

Fourthly, I like his personality and I like how we started off as friends because it just means more (Ideally, I would prefer being loved for my personality and brain than my looks). To be honest, he does fit into my requirements which are 1. Mental connection that came from the ability to share and discuss ideas; 2. Physical attraction. This, I realise, comes naturally with love. The more I love someone, the more willing I am to share my body. It’d be really interesting to test out loving someone so deeply and then have the first much anticipated sex. Must be super orgasmic. 3. Genes I like to carry forward. This is more about his ability to provide for his family in the future.. or at least his willingness to provide for his family. I find these words “I will do anything for my child” really charming. Of course, even though he said that, I must realise that he might have said it to please me cause he knows what I like.

Also, I like the idea of investing a lot into the relationship (built slowly over time). The idea of giving more than the taking, it’s the only way to fall deeply into someone. This can be done only if the marginal benefits outweighs the marginal cost though (the benefits of investing > cost of investing). One should be careful not to fall for someone deeper than the person falls for you though. The reason for this is that I have seen three cases that this leads to cheating. I have experienced deep love before – not with any man. The person I love the most, even to this very day, is my grandaunt. She kept giving unconditionally. For someone who didn’t give birth to me, she had bathed me, clothed me, scold me, washed my clothes every single day without complain or asking for help. She has done more part as a mother than most parents have done their child. It was unconditional love. She kept giving without asking for anything back. I saw how deep her love is. So, in return, I helped her out with the chores and gave her a backrub every night. I can tell she appreciated it a lot. I haven’t been able to share such deep love with any man, but it’s definitely something I will want to do for my future love. Of course, it would take a lot of good judgement to see who deserves it. If he were to see my love and give back, that would be the man I would seriously marry and would never leave him.

Last but not least, what I love the most is how deeply I have invested in this friendship and I didn’t realise how much I have invested in this friendship at all. It did make me think “I love this man. He is perfect. I don’t want to take the chance of losing him and then never finding someone like him again” It’s probably what is holding me back a little at letting him go… but like I said, what’s done is done. There will be someone who is worth loving and maybe, I’ll have a better idea of loving someone deeply this time and can actually love someone deeply.

Speaking of love, I would like a record of the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. The 5 love languages are ways you can show love to someone and they are: Quality time, Physical touch, Acts of Service, Words of affirmation and Receiving Gifts. I have listed this according to my personal importance of ways of being shown love. You can get to know yours by taking this quiz here. My grandaunt showed her love through acts of service. I saw that and provided her quality time, physical touch and acts of service. One day, I want to be able to invest so much in a man who is worth it and cry out of love on our wedding day because the love is so powerful.

I think I have said somewhere in this blog before that I do not know what love is… After today’s post, I think I do have a good idea of what love is and I want to, someday, be able to live this love!

Discovering My Life Aims: Part One

For a couple of years now, I have been searching for a life aim. However, no career, money or travel around the world matter all that much to me. However, there was one thing I was sure of. I want a child, preferably a daughter, and hence thought about becoming a single mom. I have wanted to be a single mom because I was paranoid about my future husband cheating on me. After much thought about the subject, I decided to take the risk and get married for my future child’s sake (refer to my previous post: Aiming to be a Single Mom. Is it OK?). If I were to be honest about how I feel, I have always wanted a family of my own more than anything. That is why love and relationship has been a big part of my life.

Looking back at my past relationships, one may wonder how someone so passionate about romantic love and relationships cheat on her previous boyfriends. I want to be honest and say that my exes are good guys who have told me that they wanted me for life, not just for dating. However, as they said “nice guys finish last” and Andrew has a logical explanation to this:

“As a woman, your pride wants a man who values you above all other women, one who would do anything for you out of an overwhelming compulsion of feeling. You (like every person) need to know you are valuable and important, which is largely evidenced by feeling wanted.

Your biology, on the other hand, aches for a man who is strong and powerful, unfettered by his feelings, who can protect you and impregnate you with healthy children – children who in turn will survive and reproduce successfully.”

(read full text here: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/05/females-internal-conflict.html)

Basically, nice guys feeds my pride. However, they do not fulfill my biological needs of wanting someone strong and powerful.

This time, perhaps it was karma, but I am now at the other end of the different types of guy, liking jerks and players who fulfill your biological needs but not your pride needs. While I do realise that players have a huge potential of  hurting me emotionally, I still like to hang out with them because I do in fact learn a lot from these types of guys. One thing about players that I learnt is that they will eventually decide to settle down and commit – a time when they would fulfill both your biological and pride needs. Knowing this led me to think: What are my chances if they have decided to commit? With this guy, I know my chances is low for things that he have said to me pretty much translates to “you’re not good enough.” This bothers me a little because 1. It means that I won’t be able to get the kind of guys I want to get; and 2. I am in a competition with other girls if I wanted a better guy (mostly guys with options) and I don’t quite stand a chance. If there is any reason to not be bothered with this is that he is not available anyway, so why should I care if I am not the best girl in his life at the moment. Logically thinking, him not being available actually gives me time to improve to be a better girl than his current girl.

I would like to point out that despite saying things as if I wanted him and hence, want to work hard for him, that is certainly not the case. The fact is that this guy serves as an inspiration for me to work hard so that I would stand a better chance with guys like him/better than him in the future. Therefore, I am working hard for me! Please do note that I wasn’t really trying to appeal to players, I am trying to appeal to players decent guys (The qualities I am looking for in a man are stated in this post) who are done playing and plans to settle down.

This clip shows the current dating landscape at the moment: Wild Economics of Sex. I am greatly aware of this harsh competition due to the player I talked about and hence, came up with a marketing plan for myself to reposition myself in the market. I thought, “Well, all girls can be sluts but not all girls are willing to work hard to be a good wife.” Besides, while girls are out looking for guys that are able to provide for them, there is a safe chance that guys are looking for girls who would be a good mom and wife, someone who can support the family.

Perhaps it was also selfish of me but I am also keen on the idea of wanting my husband to marry me because he wants to settle down and have a child and PICK ME to be his wife because he knows that I will be a good mom and wife. That is because if he eventually divorces me, it would be because I am not a good mom or wife. The divorce would then be on me. If he had chosen me because he loved me and I know love dies out eventually (maybe), he may go to some other girls and I wouldn’t have a say in anything.

All of these thoughts led me to my life/current aim, which is … *to be continued* (This post is getting way too long)

Unrequited Love: Uncertainty about the future

I have always been insecure about my relationships with people. This is partly due to my harsh childhood. Recently, I have faced insecurity about an unrequited love. If he were my kryptonite, the decisions would be clear. I had to get rid of him from my life. However, this guy was not my kryptonite. In fact, he was a very valuable friend to me whom I wish to keep for as long as possible. This makes decisions hard for me. Should I keep the friendship or should I risk my heart by strengthening the friendship despite feeling the way I do and knowing that the probability of me ending up heartbroken was higher? The question came to me instinctively as a means of protecting myself. That’s when I realise I am insecure with uncertainty.

So, I went to search up some good quotes on insecurity and here they are:

The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.

– Erich Fromm

I never have been insecure, because I see what a waste it is. I know there is a solution to insecurity. I don’t tend to be thrown by problems that don’t have solutions. And insecurity has a wealth of alternatives.

– Drew Barrymore
I love these quotes because it says “Yes, the future is filled with uncertainties. But guess what? That’s what makes life fun! If life is set out for you, you can’t do much and have to stick to a rigid lifestyle. Insecurity has a wealth of alternatives. It could go this way or that way” and someone told me this “Risks means that your returns, either positive or negative, will be a lot higher” If things turn out right, then the happiness may double or triple. If things went the other way, I may be filled with great pain. But pain doesn’t kill us. At the times of misfortune, that’s when we grow the most! So either way, it’s a win-win situation! So, I decided to take the risks of strengthening the friendship.
In addition to that, I have looked for quotes regarding unrequited love and these I love:
“Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”
― Sarah Cross, Kill Me Softly
“Let no one who loves be called altogether unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.”
― J.M. Barrie, The Little Minister

“I have to admit, an unrequited love is so much better than a real one. I mean, it’s perfect… As long as something is never even started, you never have to worry about it ending. It has endless potential.”
― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

“Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.”
― Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

Anyone who has ever loved someone who does not love you back deeply will understand how love unreturned has its rainbow. This is partly due to this: Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude. Unrequited love is when you can truly be yourself and love someone for who they are completely. I think these two elements are what a relationship really needs. This stresses independence within the relationships which is really important as it says you are not together because you needed each other. You are together because you chose to be together! This quote, “I have to admit, an unrequited love is so much better than a real one. I mean, it’s perfect… As long as something is never even started, you never have to worry about it ending. It has endless potential” by Sarah Dessen is perfect because it ties it back to the idea of limitless potential, and as we mentioned earlier, a greater risk yields larger returns or loss.

Loneliness

Sometimes, being single makes one really lonely. This is especially so in my case since I don’t really have much close friends and my relationship with my family isn’t that good either. The reason why this is so goes back to my childhood, most of which is filled with painful memories of being bullied both at home and in school. Due to my past, I have always turned to love. Always searching out for “the one” and sometimes, doing some things I later regret in exchange for some social security.

When I feel lonely, I start to feel insecure about whether anyone will ever love me in the future, if I’ll get a husband and sometimes, I feel so detached that I think that no one likes me at all. I then close myself off and hope to be alone for hopefully eternity. At least, I’ll have some sort of consistencies, right? I thought.

I realise I have issues. I turned to my friend asking for solutions. His response was for me to be grateful and appreciative of whoever is in my life at that time. Another friend once told me to be more social, to open up to strangers as he’s felt a bubble around me that he had to break before I let him in.

Those are reasonably good solutions but I guess I am too selfish to do just that. I needed a place to belong. I don’t want to mix around with people and then lose them.

This loneliness disappeared pretty much the next day. I felt truly at peace with myself then. It feels like the moment after a suffocating relationship where you feel absolutely grateful that you are single once again. For it was that time when you can truly reconnect with yourself, when no one’s opinion matter at all except for your own’s. It was the time when you can do everything you have ever wished to do but never did because other people are a distraction, will judge or decided that you are supposed to be doing something else. It is a fantasy world, where nothing matters except for you, your mind and your own wishes.

Of course, what I just said is a selfish behaviour. And I do understand that other people matter too. It is just that the next time I feel lonely, I’d like to remind myself of all the wonderful things I could do because I am alone.