My IDEAL Relationship: Deep, deep love!

So, due to lack of patience and my incapability of handling emotional pain, I have decided to cut the player off for good. It hurts a lot…but what’s done can’t be undone. Someone told me to look at the positive side of things and these are what I like:

To start off with, I like it when a man takes up the courage to go and say “Hey”, *talks to you for a while, impresses you* and then said, “Can I grab your number? Let’s go out some day!” It’s just really manly and any girl would appreciate that. It is not creepy at all if done right. In fact, I think it’s really charming!

Secondly, I love the idea of independence within relationships. I love the idea of two people supporting each other while doing their own things. There is no need for the two to meet up everyday. That would be saying that they need each other, not want to be with each other. It is much better to meet up once or twice a week to sit down, get to know each other or experience new stuffs to create memories. I do realise though that too much independence will lead to total independence and there is no investment made in the relationship… This is bad for deep love comes from investing and giving more than you would like to. Of course, this will build up slowly over time. Also, there is a need of trust and loyalty in which both partners will not cheat or doubt each other.

Thirdly, I like the drum roll part of a relationship of just anything – the part where you aren’t sure how the other person feel about you, the moments before you hold hands, cuddle, kiss or have sex. Things have to build up slowly. Rushing into things take away the fun part of the relationship. I probably will forever remember the surprised kiss that led me to hug him out of embarrassment… and then realised that something special was formed that day.

Fourthly, I like his personality and I like how we started off as friends because it just means more (Ideally, I would prefer being loved for my personality and brain than my looks). To be honest, he does fit into my requirements which are 1. Mental connection that came from the ability to share and discuss ideas; 2. Physical attraction. This, I realise, comes naturally with love. The more I love someone, the more willing I am to share my body. It’d be really interesting to test out loving someone so deeply and then have the first much anticipated sex. Must be super orgasmic. 3. Genes I like to carry forward. This is more about his ability to provide for his family in the future.. or at least his willingness to provide for his family. I find these words “I will do anything for my child” really charming. Of course, even though he said that, I must realise that he might have said it to please me cause he knows what I like.

Also, I like the idea of investing a lot into the relationship (built slowly over time). The idea of giving more than the taking, it’s the only way to fall deeply into someone. This can be done only if the marginal benefits outweighs the marginal cost though (the benefits of investing > cost of investing). One should be careful not to fall for someone deeper than the person falls for you though. The reason for this is that I have seen three cases that this leads to cheating. I have experienced deep love before – not with any man. The person I love the most, even to this very day, is my grandaunt. She kept giving unconditionally. For someone who didn’t give birth to me, she had bathed me, clothed me, scold me, washed my clothes every single day without complain or asking for help. She has done more part as a mother than most parents have done their child. It was unconditional love. She kept giving without asking for anything back. I saw how deep her love is. So, in return, I helped her out with the chores and gave her a backrub every night. I can tell she appreciated it a lot. I haven’t been able to share such deep love with any man, but it’s definitely something I will want to do for my future love. Of course, it would take a lot of good judgement to see who deserves it. If he were to see my love and give back, that would be the man I would seriously marry and would never leave him.

Last but not least, what I love the most is how deeply I have invested in this friendship and I didn’t realise how much I have invested in this friendship at all. It did make me think “I love this man. He is perfect. I don’t want to take the chance of losing him and then never finding someone like him again” It’s probably what is holding me back a little at letting him go… but like I said, what’s done is done. There will be someone who is worth loving and maybe, I’ll have a better idea of loving someone deeply this time and can actually love someone deeply.

Speaking of love, I would like a record of the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. The 5 love languages are ways you can show love to someone and they are: Quality time, Physical touch, Acts of Service, Words of affirmation and Receiving Gifts. I have listed this according to my personal importance of ways of being shown love. You can get to know yours by taking this quiz here. My grandaunt showed her love through acts of service. I saw that and provided her quality time, physical touch and acts of service. One day, I want to be able to invest so much in a man who is worth it and cry out of love on our wedding day because the love is so powerful.

I think I have said somewhere in this blog before that I do not know what love is… After today’s post, I think I do have a good idea of what love is and I want to, someday, be able to live this love!

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Discovering My Life Aims: Part Two

All of these thoughts led me to my life/current aim, which is to be a lady my man is proud to have as a wife but a lady I am proud of being. For simplicity sake, I will shorten this down to I want to be a lady. This quote by Carrie Bradshaw may explain my aim better:

Quote1

There are a bunch of things that I would like to work on to be a lady:

Appearance

  • Make Up
  • Health: Weight, Sleep, Water Intake
  • Beauty: Scrub and mask face and body; Mask Hair; Nails, etc.
  • Style: Clothing, Hair, Accessories
  • Posture, Manners, Femininity

Home

  • Finance
  • Cooking
  • Cleaning

Relationship (When opportunity presents)

  • Dating: Be myself, take more interest in my partner, learn to love better (5 languages of love)
  • Kissing
  • Sex (after marriage only). See Don’t have sex

Personal Strength

  • Self-discipline
  • Perseverance
  • Build up my mental strength when it comes to achieving my goals

To be honest, four of these assignments were given to me by a friend: cooking, sex, kissing and make up. I am still questioning learning to have good sex. While I understand that you will enjoy it more after you get used to it, there are just so much disadvantage of having sex with someone before reaching a serious commitment. When it comes to achieving goals, I prefer the idea of focusing on just one goal and then move on. I told my sister about it and she made a logical point: You will get old before you can achieve all of your goals! So, I’ll see what I can do and hopefully, if I do carry out  this plan, I would most likely post something up about it.

Discovering My Life Aims: Part One

For a couple of years now, I have been searching for a life aim. However, no career, money or travel around the world matter all that much to me. However, there was one thing I was sure of. I want a child, preferably a daughter, and hence thought about becoming a single mom. I have wanted to be a single mom because I was paranoid about my future husband cheating on me. After much thought about the subject, I decided to take the risk and get married for my future child’s sake (refer to my previous post: Aiming to be a Single Mom. Is it OK?). If I were to be honest about how I feel, I have always wanted a family of my own more than anything. That is why love and relationship has been a big part of my life.

Looking back at my past relationships, one may wonder how someone so passionate about romantic love and relationships cheat on her previous boyfriends. I want to be honest and say that my exes are good guys who have told me that they wanted me for life, not just for dating. However, as they said “nice guys finish last” and Andrew has a logical explanation to this:

“As a woman, your pride wants a man who values you above all other women, one who would do anything for you out of an overwhelming compulsion of feeling. You (like every person) need to know you are valuable and important, which is largely evidenced by feeling wanted.

Your biology, on the other hand, aches for a man who is strong and powerful, unfettered by his feelings, who can protect you and impregnate you with healthy children – children who in turn will survive and reproduce successfully.”

(read full text here: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/05/females-internal-conflict.html)

Basically, nice guys feeds my pride. However, they do not fulfill my biological needs of wanting someone strong and powerful.

This time, perhaps it was karma, but I am now at the other end of the different types of guy, liking jerks and players who fulfill your biological needs but not your pride needs. While I do realise that players have a huge potential of  hurting me emotionally, I still like to hang out with them because I do in fact learn a lot from these types of guys. One thing about players that I learnt is that they will eventually decide to settle down and commit – a time when they would fulfill both your biological and pride needs. Knowing this led me to think: What are my chances if they have decided to commit? With this guy, I know my chances is low for things that he have said to me pretty much translates to “you’re not good enough.” This bothers me a little because 1. It means that I won’t be able to get the kind of guys I want to get; and 2. I am in a competition with other girls if I wanted a better guy (mostly guys with options) and I don’t quite stand a chance. If there is any reason to not be bothered with this is that he is not available anyway, so why should I care if I am not the best girl in his life at the moment. Logically thinking, him not being available actually gives me time to improve to be a better girl than his current girl.

I would like to point out that despite saying things as if I wanted him and hence, want to work hard for him, that is certainly not the case. The fact is that this guy serves as an inspiration for me to work hard so that I would stand a better chance with guys like him/better than him in the future. Therefore, I am working hard for me! Please do note that I wasn’t really trying to appeal to players, I am trying to appeal to players decent guys (The qualities I am looking for in a man are stated in this post) who are done playing and plans to settle down.

This clip shows the current dating landscape at the moment: Wild Economics of Sex. I am greatly aware of this harsh competition due to the player I talked about and hence, came up with a marketing plan for myself to reposition myself in the market. I thought, “Well, all girls can be sluts but not all girls are willing to work hard to be a good wife.” Besides, while girls are out looking for guys that are able to provide for them, there is a safe chance that guys are looking for girls who would be a good mom and wife, someone who can support the family.

Perhaps it was also selfish of me but I am also keen on the idea of wanting my husband to marry me because he wants to settle down and have a child and PICK ME to be his wife because he knows that I will be a good mom and wife. That is because if he eventually divorces me, it would be because I am not a good mom or wife. The divorce would then be on me. If he had chosen me because he loved me and I know love dies out eventually (maybe), he may go to some other girls and I wouldn’t have a say in anything.

All of these thoughts led me to my life/current aim, which is … *to be continued* (This post is getting way too long)

Loneliness

Sometimes, being single makes one really lonely. This is especially so in my case since I don’t really have much close friends and my relationship with my family isn’t that good either. The reason why this is so goes back to my childhood, most of which is filled with painful memories of being bullied both at home and in school. Due to my past, I have always turned to love. Always searching out for “the one” and sometimes, doing some things I later regret in exchange for some social security.

When I feel lonely, I start to feel insecure about whether anyone will ever love me in the future, if I’ll get a husband and sometimes, I feel so detached that I think that no one likes me at all. I then close myself off and hope to be alone for hopefully eternity. At least, I’ll have some sort of consistencies, right? I thought.

I realise I have issues. I turned to my friend asking for solutions. His response was for me to be grateful and appreciative of whoever is in my life at that time. Another friend once told me to be more social, to open up to strangers as he’s felt a bubble around me that he had to break before I let him in.

Those are reasonably good solutions but I guess I am too selfish to do just that. I needed a place to belong. I don’t want to mix around with people and then lose them.

This loneliness disappeared pretty much the next day. I felt truly at peace with myself then. It feels like the moment after a suffocating relationship where you feel absolutely grateful that you are single once again. For it was that time when you can truly reconnect with yourself, when no one’s opinion matter at all except for your own’s. It was the time when you can do everything you have ever wished to do but never did because other people are a distraction, will judge or decided that you are supposed to be doing something else. It is a fantasy world, where nothing matters except for you, your mind and your own wishes.

Of course, what I just said is a selfish behaviour. And I do understand that other people matter too. It is just that the next time I feel lonely, I’d like to remind myself of all the wonderful things I could do because I am alone.

Aiming to be a Single Mom. Is it OK?

Due to my own personal insecurity issues and distrust in men, I have been dreaming about becoming a  single mom. After all, if men’s primal instinct is to do as much women as they want to and women want men to provide for their kids, it would make sense that if the women can provide for their own children, they do not need men.

I thought that I would be okay with it. In fact, it would be better since no one ever will be able to betray you. You get love from your child anyway and logically thinking, your child will never abandon you since they need you, at least, financially. Your man… if you had only wanted him for his sperm in the first place and not love… then you might not suffer emotional damages. Life should be good then! 

However, a recent event that happened not too long ago changed my mind. I did it with someone who I thought liked me and realize after that he is sexually active with 5 other women.  I thought about things after and  decided that I would be cool with him being with other girls. After all, if I want to be a single mom, I will have to go through that as well. However, I realized very soon after that you cannot have sex with someone without being emotionally involved. I was emotionally attached to him. I wanted him despite not wanting him before we did it. I realized that I was not cool with him being with other girls. I kept questioning, What is he doing? Who is he with? Who is he doing? That is when I realized that I cannot handle FWB because I need to know that I can be secured with him providing and caring for me. That is when I realized that I cannot be a single mom because I will continue to question who he is with and if he has his own family now. After all, our child will forever binds us together no matter what.

Also, if my child were to ask “where is daddy?” I would feel very guilty as I would have robbed him/her from his/her own father. Because I care about my future (currently non-existent) child, I will not plan or aim to be a single mom despite my insecurities. I will, instead, aim to provide a good family for him/her. Besides, I think insecurities and risks is what makes life fun. If everything is secured for me, I might as well be a zombie… Being a zombie would suck! :/