Independence and Solving Your Own Problem!

As an extravert, I love hanging out and being around people. I understand the importance of having people around you, for mankind has social needs of wanting to belong and recognized. However, my love of being around people has caused me to want to stay around my friends all day, be it new friends or old friends. This is not all bad as it helps me to bond with my friends and we all know that you need to put in an effort to build a relationship with people. However, being on a high from being around people that you love to be around, will make you want to continue to stay on that high. As Newton’s first law of motion (Law of Inertia) says: 

An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force

 

and this is dangerous as it will lead you to be dependent on other people. My experience with staying around people for way too much time was that I experienced a loss of identity or my sense of self as I have stopped thinking about things, developing my own opinion of different ideas or have stopped doing things that I am supposed to do, especially if it has to do with self-improvement. I didn’t like this feeling at all. I felt like it was really destructive.

That is the reason why I am writing this post. I hope that this post will serve as a reminder that despite my love to be around people, I must always remember and recognize that loneliness is a blessing as well. This is especially so for an ENFP like myself. As personalitypage.com says, ENFPs need “time alone to center themselves”. This means that it is necessary for an ENFP to take the time alone so that they can reconnect with themselves, form own opinions on different matters and do things that suits you even if other people doesn’t necessarily agree with your actions. I find this to be really important as

 Life-is-the-most-difficult-exam.Many-people-fail-because-they-try-to-copy-others-not-realising-that-everyone-has-a-different-question-paper

There is also a certain time when you should really be spending time alone, and this is the time when you have a problem. As a woman, when a problem arises, we seek consultations from our female friends. Most of the times, all we needed was emotional support and that all we needed to do was to vent. However, what we get instead is advices on how to best solve the problem… and it seems reasonable to obtain a third party’s opinion as they are not blinded by feelings like we are. However, this may be overrated.

I am a big believer of intuition as it is my dominant function as an ENFP and I know that intuition is a powerful tool when it comes to solving problem. If you are someone who relies heavily on intuition, you will find this quote to be true. Sometimes, there are just no logical explanation to how you know something works for it is a combination of different things: what is being said, the body language, the past experience, feelings, thoughts, etc.

“Don’t try to comprehend with your mind. Your minds are very limited. Use your intuition.” 
― Madeleine L’EngleA Wrinkle in Time

Asking for advices from other people lacks insights into the situation. You may provide them with as much information as possible but, no matter what, since they are not there, they will still lack insights into the situation. This means that when people give you advices, they tend to just rely on what is logical and perhaps, think about the situation in your shoes. But, really, logic is too limited to understand why someone feels and do the things that they do. That is why the world is so messed up. If logic is sufficient, it shouldn’t be.

My current problem right now is that I have just recently confessed my feelings to a friend who is a player. While I was complaining about how he never responded to me, everyone was relying on logic, telling me that a player would never respond to such text and how I deserve better and should move on. If I were to hear the same situation from another girl’s mouth, I would think that the girl must be stupid – that it is pretty obvious that a player will always be a player. The thing is, because it is my problem, I know the situation well. I had been feeling horrible about not being responded as I have thought that he really values me as a friend. Not responding would indicate that he is a player and I am just another one of those who is stuck in his love.

My intuition tells me that he might be a player and I might have been played but he doesn’t treat me as the rest of his girls as he has said that he would’ve just stopped contacting me after we have first done it. The question to ask then is: can I trust what he said? To be honest, he has never given me any reason to not trust what he had said. He has even told me about his lifestyle as a player when we first got to know each other. If I were to argue my point, how can anyone trust what I said? Everyone would think that I am just helping him out because he is someone I care about, that I was just refusing to face reality… but how can that be the case? I can be honest and say, I am about 85% sure that he will reject me.

While I know and can confirm that he values me as a friend (as he has, by now, responded to my text), I do not know if he feels anything for me. My intuition says that he might have a little feelings for me which he is just coming to realise, but it is just not strong enough to go for something more. He is personally not ready for something more as well. So, yeah, I think I will be rejected and I am sort of prepared to be rejected. However, I do want to stay as friends with him. Again, my friends have told me that I am being stupid, that it is impossible to stay as friends. As I haven’t tried it yet, I am just unwilling to just let go of a valuable friend without giving pure friendship a go. Again, it is not that I am stubborn and thus refuse to listen to my friends. It is just that they do not understand that my feelings for him is just different from my previous crushes. I am not obsessive and possessive of him at all. It wasn’t the childlike crushes where you think of that someone non-stop and start thinking about suiciding because you can’t get that guy. I reckon that if I could go 4 months without letting him know how I felt before and the reason I had that breakdown and let him know how I feel about him was due to PMS plus post sex chemical reaction in my brain, I will be able to control my feelings better if there was no physical contact between us at all… but it’s definitely hard to say. So, I decided that if I can’t control my feelings then I should let him know and maybe cut all contact for a good couple of months until I am ready to be proper friends with him again.

Sorry for the long post, I guess I sort of got carried away. Anyway, the main point is that it is important to talk to yourself about your own problem so you can rely on your intuition as others will not know the entire situation well. I do realise that as a woman, I will need to vent and have some emotional support as well… I might need to talk to an introvert to gain some insights on this, or maybe I’ll find out what I would do when I face another problem again – which will be soon when I talk to the guy :/

My IDEAL Relationship: Deep, deep love!

So, due to lack of patience and my incapability of handling emotional pain, I have decided to cut the player off for good. It hurts a lot…but what’s done can’t be undone. Someone told me to look at the positive side of things and these are what I like:

To start off with, I like it when a man takes up the courage to go and say “Hey”, *talks to you for a while, impresses you* and then said, “Can I grab your number? Let’s go out some day!” It’s just really manly and any girl would appreciate that. It is not creepy at all if done right. In fact, I think it’s really charming!

Secondly, I love the idea of independence within relationships. I love the idea of two people supporting each other while doing their own things. There is no need for the two to meet up everyday. That would be saying that they need each other, not want to be with each other. It is much better to meet up once or twice a week to sit down, get to know each other or experience new stuffs to create memories. I do realise though that too much independence will lead to total independence and there is no investment made in the relationship… This is bad for deep love comes from investing and giving more than you would like to. Of course, this will build up slowly over time. Also, there is a need of trust and loyalty in which both partners will not cheat or doubt each other.

Thirdly, I like the drum roll part of a relationship of just anything – the part where you aren’t sure how the other person feel about you, the moments before you hold hands, cuddle, kiss or have sex. Things have to build up slowly. Rushing into things take away the fun part of the relationship. I probably will forever remember the surprised kiss that led me to hug him out of embarrassment… and then realised that something special was formed that day.

Fourthly, I like his personality and I like how we started off as friends because it just means more (Ideally, I would prefer being loved for my personality and brain than my looks). To be honest, he does fit into my requirements which are 1. Mental connection that came from the ability to share and discuss ideas; 2. Physical attraction. This, I realise, comes naturally with love. The more I love someone, the more willing I am to share my body. It’d be really interesting to test out loving someone so deeply and then have the first much anticipated sex. Must be super orgasmic. 3. Genes I like to carry forward. This is more about his ability to provide for his family in the future.. or at least his willingness to provide for his family. I find these words “I will do anything for my child” really charming. Of course, even though he said that, I must realise that he might have said it to please me cause he knows what I like.

Also, I like the idea of investing a lot into the relationship (built slowly over time). The idea of giving more than the taking, it’s the only way to fall deeply into someone. This can be done only if the marginal benefits outweighs the marginal cost though (the benefits of investing > cost of investing). One should be careful not to fall for someone deeper than the person falls for you though. The reason for this is that I have seen three cases that this leads to cheating. I have experienced deep love before – not with any man. The person I love the most, even to this very day, is my grandaunt. She kept giving unconditionally. For someone who didn’t give birth to me, she had bathed me, clothed me, scold me, washed my clothes every single day without complain or asking for help. She has done more part as a mother than most parents have done their child. It was unconditional love. She kept giving without asking for anything back. I saw how deep her love is. So, in return, I helped her out with the chores and gave her a backrub every night. I can tell she appreciated it a lot. I haven’t been able to share such deep love with any man, but it’s definitely something I will want to do for my future love. Of course, it would take a lot of good judgement to see who deserves it. If he were to see my love and give back, that would be the man I would seriously marry and would never leave him.

Last but not least, what I love the most is how deeply I have invested in this friendship and I didn’t realise how much I have invested in this friendship at all. It did make me think “I love this man. He is perfect. I don’t want to take the chance of losing him and then never finding someone like him again” It’s probably what is holding me back a little at letting him go… but like I said, what’s done is done. There will be someone who is worth loving and maybe, I’ll have a better idea of loving someone deeply this time and can actually love someone deeply.

Speaking of love, I would like a record of the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. The 5 love languages are ways you can show love to someone and they are: Quality time, Physical touch, Acts of Service, Words of affirmation and Receiving Gifts. I have listed this according to my personal importance of ways of being shown love. You can get to know yours by taking this quiz here. My grandaunt showed her love through acts of service. I saw that and provided her quality time, physical touch and acts of service. One day, I want to be able to invest so much in a man who is worth it and cry out of love on our wedding day because the love is so powerful.

I think I have said somewhere in this blog before that I do not know what love is… After today’s post, I think I do have a good idea of what love is and I want to, someday, be able to live this love!

Don’t have sex!

I am not a religious person. I have tried to be, so I read the bible and decided that it wasn’t for me because there are things in the bible that I do not agree with. One of them is the idea that man and woman should not consummate before marriage. I had once thought that the world is changing and this doctrine does not fit in the modern world anymore.

However, the more I experience life, the more I understand why God reckons that one should not consummate before marriage. Before I get to my point, please watch this video on The Wild Economics of Sex.

The current dating landscape as seen in the video starts out small. Usually, girls would have sex with their committed boyfriend because it seems to be a social norm to do so and that it seemed to be alright since you may (at that time, you would have thought that you will) get married. Then it builds up. You have tasted sex and you lust for more. You have lost your virginity so it doesn’t matter anymore. Sex had then become a social norm. By then, concepts such as FWB and ONS were formed and again, was seen as a social norm. Finally, woman are giving away free sex too easily these days leading to the dating landscape we see currently where man and woman finds it difficult to get married. 

In the video, there seem to be two marketplace that emerge due to this social behaviour: the sex marketplace and marriage marketplace. For both marketplace, there seem to be only disadvantage for woman. In the sex marketplace, even though woman have the upper hand, woman’s primal instinct will always drive woman into wanting a committed relationship and giving sex away will take away woman’s only leverage to get man to commit (See here). In the commitment marketplace, woman would find it more difficult to get married since there are just too limited man to choose from as a partner that woman will always question: is he the best man I could get?

The video suggested that the only way to change the current dating landscape is for women to collude so to not have sex so easily. In other words, women were to revert back to the traditional ways of not having sex before marriageThis confirms God’s doctrine that sex before marriage is bad for us… well, at least to women.

I do realise that there is a prisoner’s dilemma to this. While women may only gain maximum benefits if there were to collude together, individuals who do have sex with men while other girls keep to their values may gain more benefits than the rest of the girls as guys do prefer non-virgins to virgins.

Ultimately, it really comes down to what you want. Do you really just want sex and nothing else? As an individual who values committed relationship more than sex, the cost of having sex before marriage is pretty high. First of all, with “giving sex away will take away woman’s only leverage to get man to commit”, this does not apply to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It applies to marriage as well. Having sex before marriage may delay my marriage. Also, if my man is willing to wait for marriage before we do have sex, it would mean that he actually do loves me. Having a strong value like not have sex before marriage would also mean that I can keep guys who just wants sex away from me, which would save me more heartbreaks.

 

 

 

 

Discovering My Life Aims: Part Two

All of these thoughts led me to my life/current aim, which is to be a lady my man is proud to have as a wife but a lady I am proud of being. For simplicity sake, I will shorten this down to I want to be a lady. This quote by Carrie Bradshaw may explain my aim better:

Quote1

There are a bunch of things that I would like to work on to be a lady:

Appearance

  • Make Up
  • Health: Weight, Sleep, Water Intake
  • Beauty: Scrub and mask face and body; Mask Hair; Nails, etc.
  • Style: Clothing, Hair, Accessories
  • Posture, Manners, Femininity

Home

  • Finance
  • Cooking
  • Cleaning

Relationship (When opportunity presents)

  • Dating: Be myself, take more interest in my partner, learn to love better (5 languages of love)
  • Kissing
  • Sex (after marriage only). See Don’t have sex

Personal Strength

  • Self-discipline
  • Perseverance
  • Build up my mental strength when it comes to achieving my goals

To be honest, four of these assignments were given to me by a friend: cooking, sex, kissing and make up. I am still questioning learning to have good sex. While I understand that you will enjoy it more after you get used to it, there are just so much disadvantage of having sex with someone before reaching a serious commitment. When it comes to achieving goals, I prefer the idea of focusing on just one goal and then move on. I told my sister about it and she made a logical point: You will get old before you can achieve all of your goals! So, I’ll see what I can do and hopefully, if I do carry out  this plan, I would most likely post something up about it.