A friend once said “People should take the risk of being single, figure out what they want and get it out of their system rather than risking the lives of another person” upon seeing cheating husbands. Today, I realise that this applies to normal relationships as well.
You see, I don’t have a good record when it comes to relationships. I have cheated on, currently, all of my exes. But the thing is I have always
known thought that I would make a good girlfriend. So what went wrong? One of the reasons is that I always jump into a relationship (took the opportunity) without actually being ready for it. The second reason is that I knew that those weren’t the right guy, yet I still went for it. In short, I haven’t yet figured out what I wanted and I risked my exes getting hurt. I guess you could argue that if I don’t have the experience, how could I figure out what I wanted?
That was then. Now I sort of know what I want. It’s not fixed but here they are:
1. Mental connection – a deep intuitor. I love mature men who gives me insight to how they perceive the world. I like sharing ideas with people but what’s even better is discussing ideas.
2. Physical attraction – physical attraction is probably the easiest to get. Like I said, physical attraction is pretty common but then again, I did not even want to kiss one of my ex and hated it when we had sex that we only did it once. I then figured, I must’ve dislike him to not like making out with him so we broke up. So, I need that physical attraction.
3. Genes I’d like to carry forward. Before meeting people who actually had a mental connection with me, I thought that my other ex connected well with me and the physical attraction was there. But he wasn’t good looking and he tells me he has this and that health problem. I kept thinking “I don’t want my kids to blame me for giving them diseases/ making them ugly”
Anyway, back to the topic! Basically, I am attracted to a man who really connects with me mentally and there is no doubt that he would make an excellent boyfriend. But the thing is he lives in the US and is about 10 years older than I am. Now, there are times when I really want this guy and I couldn’t understand why he doesn’t want me when he has told me he likes me. Today, he told me that I was the one pushing him away. I confirmed his comment when we have decided to go for something more and I realised, hey! I won’t get any dating and sexual experience. I have always been the hopeless romantic type, so wanting to experience such things was normal to me.
Then what my friend said hits me. I really wanted the whole dating experience (I haven’t had enough of it) and if a guy were to approach me giving me that, I might do things to hurt this guy I am attracted to. That is why I have decided I would rather take the risk of being single rather than to hurt him. After all, he’s at the age of getting married as well. Let’s say I’ll deprive myself of the whole dating experience thing for a year (let’s say that’s how long I can last), he would’ve lost one year of trying to look for that someone. I decided I care for him enough to not hurt him. That’s why I would rather risk being single. I know it hurts both of us now but it’s better than being hurt later on right?