Discovering My Life Aims: Part One

For a couple of years now, I have been searching for a life aim. However, no career, money or travel around the world matter all that much to me. However, there was one thing I was sure of. I want a child, preferably a daughter, and hence thought about becoming a single mom. I have wanted to be a single mom because I was paranoid about my future husband cheating on me. After much thought about the subject, I decided to take the risk and get married for my future child’s sake (refer to my previous post: Aiming to be a Single Mom. Is it OK?). If I were to be honest about how I feel, I have always wanted a family of my own more than anything. That is why love and relationship has been a big part of my life.

Looking back at my past relationships, one may wonder how someone so passionate about romantic love and relationships cheat on her previous boyfriends. I want to be honest and say that my exes are good guys who have told me that they wanted me for life, not just for dating. However, as they said “nice guys finish last” and Andrew has a logical explanation to this:

“As a woman, your pride wants a man who values you above all other women, one who would do anything for you out of an overwhelming compulsion of feeling. You (like every person) need to know you are valuable and important, which is largely evidenced by feeling wanted.

Your biology, on the other hand, aches for a man who is strong and powerful, unfettered by his feelings, who can protect you and impregnate you with healthy children – children who in turn will survive and reproduce successfully.”

(read full text here: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/05/females-internal-conflict.html)

Basically, nice guys feeds my pride. However, they do not fulfill my biological needs of wanting someone strong and powerful.

This time, perhaps it was karma, but I am now at the other end of the different types of guy, liking jerks and players who fulfill your biological needs but not your pride needs. While I do realise that players have a huge potential of  hurting me emotionally, I still like to hang out with them because I do in fact learn a lot from these types of guys. One thing about players that I learnt is that they will eventually decide to settle down and commit – a time when they would fulfill both your biological and pride needs. Knowing this led me to think: What are my chances if they have decided to commit? With this guy, I know my chances is low for things that he have said to me pretty much translates to “you’re not good enough.” This bothers me a little because 1. It means that I won’t be able to get the kind of guys I want to get; and 2. I am in a competition with other girls if I wanted a better guy (mostly guys with options) and I don’t quite stand a chance. If there is any reason to not be bothered with this is that he is not available anyway, so why should I care if I am not the best girl in his life at the moment. Logically thinking, him not being available actually gives me time to improve to be a better girl than his current girl.

I would like to point out that despite saying things as if I wanted him and hence, want to work hard for him, that is certainly not the case. The fact is that this guy serves as an inspiration for me to work hard so that I would stand a better chance with guys like him/better than him in the future. Therefore, I am working hard for me! Please do note that I wasn’t really trying to appeal to players, I am trying to appeal to players decent guys (The qualities I am looking for in a man are stated in this post) who are done playing and plans to settle down.

This clip shows the current dating landscape at the moment: Wild Economics of Sex. I am greatly aware of this harsh competition due to the player I talked about and hence, came up with a marketing plan for myself to reposition myself in the market. I thought, “Well, all girls can be sluts but not all girls are willing to work hard to be a good wife.” Besides, while girls are out looking for guys that are able to provide for them, there is a safe chance that guys are looking for girls who would be a good mom and wife, someone who can support the family.

Perhaps it was also selfish of me but I am also keen on the idea of wanting my husband to marry me because he wants to settle down and have a child and PICK ME to be his wife because he knows that I will be a good mom and wife. That is because if he eventually divorces me, it would be because I am not a good mom or wife. The divorce would then be on me. If he had chosen me because he loved me and I know love dies out eventually (maybe), he may go to some other girls and I wouldn’t have a say in anything.

All of these thoughts led me to my life/current aim, which is … *to be continued* (This post is getting way too long)

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Dating

Most people won’t need to read this post but being socially retarded, I finally understand what a date is and I had help from others who took the time to explain it to me. I didn’t know that if you were to “hang out” with a male friend, it is pretty much a date, unless you have friendzoned each other.

The reason why date exist is that male and female do not fall in love the same way. Male usually fall for a female’s beauty while female usually need to consider other criteria, such as financial stability, in addition to appearance. That is the reason why man has to take woman out on a date. Basically, they are taking a chance by spending time and money to attract the female as well as to look at their personality to see if the female matches them well.

To attract a female, men has to pay for the date, at least initially to give a vibe that says “I can provide for you”. This is important as financial stability is important to female, mostly because it is the man’s job to provide for the household. Being a feminist, I usually offer to go dutch even on the first date. It is probably due to my pride but I realized that it is important for male to pay for the first few dates because it makes them invest in you. I realised that if you do let the man pay for the date, they usually feel proud about it for some reason.

After a few dates, however, a woman should offer to go dutch, regardless of how much you like the man (you may decided to be nothing more than friends and still hang out). The reason for this is that you have to realise that the man needs to save up for the future, or he doesn’t but how could he survive if he were to pay for you every single time right? It’d be like you taking advantage of him and if he cannot survive, how could the relationship survive?

 

Unrequited Love: Uncertainty about the future

I have always been insecure about my relationships with people. This is partly due to my harsh childhood. Recently, I have faced insecurity about an unrequited love. If he were my kryptonite, the decisions would be clear. I had to get rid of him from my life. However, this guy was not my kryptonite. In fact, he was a very valuable friend to me whom I wish to keep for as long as possible. This makes decisions hard for me. Should I keep the friendship or should I risk my heart by strengthening the friendship despite feeling the way I do and knowing that the probability of me ending up heartbroken was higher? The question came to me instinctively as a means of protecting myself. That’s when I realise I am insecure with uncertainty.

So, I went to search up some good quotes on insecurity and here they are:

The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.

– Erich Fromm

I never have been insecure, because I see what a waste it is. I know there is a solution to insecurity. I don’t tend to be thrown by problems that don’t have solutions. And insecurity has a wealth of alternatives.

– Drew Barrymore
I love these quotes because it says “Yes, the future is filled with uncertainties. But guess what? That’s what makes life fun! If life is set out for you, you can’t do much and have to stick to a rigid lifestyle. Insecurity has a wealth of alternatives. It could go this way or that way” and someone told me this “Risks means that your returns, either positive or negative, will be a lot higher” If things turn out right, then the happiness may double or triple. If things went the other way, I may be filled with great pain. But pain doesn’t kill us. At the times of misfortune, that’s when we grow the most! So either way, it’s a win-win situation! So, I decided to take the risks of strengthening the friendship.
In addition to that, I have looked for quotes regarding unrequited love and these I love:
“Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”
― Sarah Cross, Kill Me Softly
“Let no one who loves be called altogether unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.”
― J.M. Barrie, The Little Minister

“I have to admit, an unrequited love is so much better than a real one. I mean, it’s perfect… As long as something is never even started, you never have to worry about it ending. It has endless potential.”
― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

“Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.”
― Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

Anyone who has ever loved someone who does not love you back deeply will understand how love unreturned has its rainbow. This is partly due to this: Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude. Unrequited love is when you can truly be yourself and love someone for who they are completely. I think these two elements are what a relationship really needs. This stresses independence within the relationships which is really important as it says you are not together because you needed each other. You are together because you chose to be together! This quote, “I have to admit, an unrequited love is so much better than a real one. I mean, it’s perfect… As long as something is never even started, you never have to worry about it ending. It has endless potential” by Sarah Dessen is perfect because it ties it back to the idea of limitless potential, and as we mentioned earlier, a greater risk yields larger returns or loss.

Are you ready for a relationship?

A friend once said “People should take the risk of being single, figure out what they want and get it out of their system rather than risking the lives of another person” upon seeing cheating husbands. Today, I realise that this applies to normal relationships as well.

You see, I don’t have a good record when it comes to relationships. I have cheated on, currently, all of my exes. But the thing is I have always known thought that I would make a good girlfriend. So what went wrong? One of the reasons is that I always jump into a relationship (took the opportunity) without actually being ready for it. The second reason is that I knew that those weren’t the right guy, yet I still went for it. In short, I haven’t yet figured out what I wanted and I risked my exes getting hurt. I guess you could argue that if I don’t have the experience, how could I figure out what I wanted?

That was then. Now I sort of know what I want. It’s not fixed but here they are:
1. Mental connection – a deep intuitor. I love mature men who gives me insight to how they perceive the world. I like sharing ideas with people but what’s even better is discussing ideas.
2. Physical attraction – physical attraction is probably the easiest to get. Like I said, physical attraction is pretty common but then again, I did not even want to kiss one of my ex and hated it when we had sex that we only did it once. I then figured, I must’ve dislike him to not like making out with him so we broke up. So, I need that physical attraction.
3. Genes I’d like to carry forward. Before meeting people who actually had a mental connection with me, I thought that my other ex connected well with me and the physical attraction was there. But he wasn’t good looking and he tells me he has this and that health problem. I kept thinking “I don’t want my kids to blame me for giving them diseases/ making them ugly

Anyway, back to the topic! Basically, I am attracted to a man who really connects with me mentally and there is no doubt that he would make an excellent boyfriend. But the thing is he lives in the US and is about 10 years older than I am. Now, there are times when I really want this guy and I couldn’t understand why he doesn’t want me when he has told me he likes me. Today, he told me that I was the one pushing him away. I confirmed his comment when we have decided to go for something more and I realised, hey! I won’t get any dating and sexual experience. I have always been the hopeless romantic type, so wanting to experience such things was normal to me.

Then what my friend said hits me. I really wanted the whole dating experience (I haven’t had enough of it) and if a guy were to approach me giving me that, I might do things to hurt this guy I am attracted to. That is why I have decided I would rather take the risk of being single rather than to hurt him. After all, he’s at the age of getting married as well. Let’s say I’ll deprive myself of the whole dating experience thing for a year (let’s say that’s how long I can last), he would’ve lost one year of trying to look for that someone. I decided I care for him enough to not hurt him. That’s why I would rather risk being single. I know it hurts both of us now but it’s better than being hurt later on right?