Loneliness

Sometimes, being single makes one really lonely. This is especially so in my case since I don’t really have much close friends and my relationship with my family isn’t that good either. The reason why this is so goes back to my childhood, most of which is filled with painful memories of being bullied both at home and in school. Due to my past, I have always turned to love. Always searching out for “the one” and sometimes, doing some things I later regret in exchange for some social security.

When I feel lonely, I start to feel insecure about whether anyone will ever love me in the future, if I’ll get a husband and sometimes, I feel so detached that I think that no one likes me at all. I then close myself off and hope to be alone for hopefully eternity. At least, I’ll have some sort of consistencies, right? I thought.

I realise I have issues. I turned to my friend asking for solutions. His response was for me to be grateful and appreciative of whoever is in my life at that time. Another friend once told me to be more social, to open up to strangers as he’s felt a bubble around me that he had to break before I let him in.

Those are reasonably good solutions but I guess I am too selfish to do just that. I needed a place to belong. I don’t want to mix around with people and then lose them.

This loneliness disappeared pretty much the next day. I felt truly at peace with myself then. It feels like the moment after a suffocating relationship where you feel absolutely grateful that you are single once again. For it was that time when you can truly reconnect with yourself, when no one’s opinion matter at all except for your own’s. It was the time when you can do everything you have ever wished to do but never did because other people are a distraction, will judge or decided that you are supposed to be doing something else. It is a fantasy world, where nothing matters except for you, your mind and your own wishes.

Of course, what I just said is a selfish behaviour. And I do understand that other people matter too. It is just that the next time I feel lonely, I’d like to remind myself of all the wonderful things I could do because I am alone.

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